Not Sorry.

Sometimes I struggle to find the right words to express myself. I worry about offending people with my tendency to lay it all bare. I worry about people thinking I’m weak, or attention seeking, or losing people from my life who think I’m just too …. me.

I realised recently, that if any of the above happens, those people weren’t ‘my’ people anyway. Truth is, I have sad days. A lot of sad days. Sometimes for no reason at all. I’m insecure. I need hugs and kind words and time spent on me. I cling a little too hard, I get jealous easily, and I take a while to get to know.

But that’s okay. Because everyone who matters, doesn’t mind. I have the most amazing people in my life. People who can tell by the sound of my voice, or the look on my face, that I’m not okay right now. People who, no matter how many times I trip, or push, or withdraw, never give up on me.

And if I make you uncomfortable because I feel too much, or think to hard, or need you too often, then do us both a favour and just let me go. Because I like me, and I’m not changing for anyone.

Maybe I’ll take a lot out of you, but stand by me, and I’ll put a whole lot more back in.

Thank you friends, for the compliments, the laughs, the runs, the coffees, the messages, the LOVE.

Riding the Wonky Wagon.

It’s weird how, even when I know how much better I feel, physically and mentally when I train and eat well, I still find so many ways to sabotage myself. There is probably some thought provoking quote about that.

That said, and man, it’s early days….four of them, (that’s almost a week though, right? Yes? I like you!), but I seem to be back on track. If you don’t count those six shots of alcohol I had on Monday night. To be fair, three of them weren’t my fault, they were hash fines, (which I may or may not have deserved, but Sambuka + Woodstock Bourbon and Cola defies all that is right in the world by being bloody lovely. I would have happily drunk everyone else’s fines alongside my own.)

Anyway, I digress. *Squirrel*.

On track. I am. I think. On Sunday I suffered through my first long run since ‘the Ultra’, only 21kms, man, I’ve gotten soft! Took two whole hours! But hey, least I did it. On Monday I took Gilby for a run in the pouring rain, and then did another hash run that evening. Tuesday should have been Jillian (Ripped in 30) and a run, but I was feeling Monday’s double, so I slept in a bit. Then I took the kids down to the river for a play, and did a Crossfit type session. went like;-

30 Jumping Jacks, 5 Push Ups, 25 High Knees, 7 Burpees, 10 Crunches, 5 Push Ups, 7 Squats, 30 Jump Jacks, 5 Push Ups, 25 High Knees, then a loop up the hill around and down. Repeat the whole lot x 5.

Later that evening Rog and I went for a run, a pretty nice 8km, apart from when he lost the plot about a teeny dark section. Must remember headlamp.

The news of the week though, I even managed to show my face at the gym this morning, putting in a treadmill speed session, some rowing and a few pull-ups. Woah. Followed that up with a trip out to Pukemokemoke, for a pleasant hour on the trails. No face plants, bonus!

Tomorrow was supposed to be a MTB session, but I’ve been stood-up. I could go by myself I guess, but then who will hold my hand and reassure me while the ambulance people try to stabilise my open ankle fracture? Slightly active imagination, you say? One never knows! I guess the next two days are up in the air. Saturday evening is penciled in for a run with Jonathon, the Rotorua member of our 2014 TUM team. Sunday will probably be another 21km training run with Rog, maybe do a reco of the Huntly course.

I’m wary of putting up too many kilometres, with a few hot spots still giving me trouble. On the other hand I need the mental boost, (serotonin – although I’m also getting that the pharmaceutical way these days too), that running provides. All comes down to balance….again. Argh, will find the right thing eventually.

Anyways, duty calls, kids melting down.

Take care, friends.

Hay x

Update. <——-Worst Title Ever.

This is Izzy. She is my 7 year old’s rabbit. I love her.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks since I last posted. Not in the fitness department, unfortunately. 

April is celebration season in the Morris house, with two birthdays and a wedding anniversary (15 years, go us!), it’s a whirlwind of indulgence. My mum came to stay, we went out with friends, a little too much vodka may or may not have been consumed.

I’m good with it though. Everyone needs some down time, and it’s definitely what I needed after the months of training. Sleep-ins, late nights, watching ridiculous stuff on television with my girlies, cafe/restaurant hopping with my guy, having a few drinks, all things I abstained from for so long. 

People have been asking me a lot about what is next on the cards. I’m not really sure. Rog is running the Huntly half in May, so I’ve been tagging along on a few of his training runs. It’s a complicated dynamic, having him run too. On one hand I do enjoy spending time with him, even if most of the time we just chug along, breathing heavily, occasionally remarking about something to one another. On the other hand, he is much faster than I am, and despite wishing otherwise, it really bugs me that I train so hard, and he can smoke me easily, with about a 1/4 of the effort that I’m putting in. I’m proud too, of course, and can’t wait to see how he does at Huntly. 

After Huntly we are both doing the Tough Guy in Rotorua with friends, and I have a half in Taupo around August sometime, with a couple of my ‘fatbook’ friends. I totally cannot wait to meet them. If things are going well, I’m contemplating a little Ultra in Marton in September. Next year I’m doing leg 2 of the TUM, with Rog and two of our awesome friends. This will be good for me, because they are all much faster than I am, so it should make me get serious about moving my butt and not letting the side down.

After TUM? Well….mum’s the word on that one, depending how the training goes…but it might just involve something epic in the gorgeousness of New Zealand’s southern landscape.

I’ll keep you posted.

New Directions (Not the Glee Version)

Post Insanity – Cardio Power and Resistance, phew!

I’m lying on my bed, fresh out of the shower, dried and partially dressed in jeans and a bra. if I die now, at least I’ll smell nice. Until I decompose, I guess.

I can’t  summon the energy to get a top, so I just lie there quietly, feeling my calf muscles twitch, like after a big run. But there hasn’t been a big run. In fact, for the last four weeks I’ve only run a handful of kilometres.

I must admit, the time off was nice. Sleep-ins, socialising, eating, drinking, hanging with my family. Running a lot  doesn’t always play well with these things. Of course, it wasn’t nice to the body; my scales and I aren’t speaking. It was well and truly time to get back on the horse this week, but I was (am?) still a bit of a rudder-less boat, weaving this way and that, without direction.

I know that I don’t want to give up the long runs, but I also know that I can’t manage the huge mileage that I was putting up week after week, without compromising my health or relationships. I’d looked into some low heart-rate training previously, but I really, really, really find running to numbers such a chore. REALLY. So, after a little research and reading, I decided to go the opposite way, and cut out the long slow junk miles, sub in a good amount of HIIT (With the Insanity program – which is just that, insane!) and free weight training (If I can either a) grow the kahunas to weight train in the gym with the big boys, or b) convince Roger to train me at home).

Typical ‘me’ style, I’m not following the program religiously. It’s basically a three day a week thing, with the running component two speed sessions and a longer distance time trial or tempo run. Everything running is in the aerobic zone, and it pretty much kicks my arse. No more happy meanders along the river stopping to take pictures, these days you’ll most likely find me at the track, running around and around and around. Wow, I’m dizzy.

I’m not getting rid of the long stuff completely. I’m going to try cycles of two weeks of HIIT work and one week of steady mileage building, and am still planning on doing a lot of cross-training, tramping, and one longish run a week on the CFE (CrossFit Endurance) weeks.

I’ve also been doing yoga, for the first time in ages!

Nutritionally I’ve cleaned things right up, and am leaning heavily towards the fruitarian side, although I don’t wish to go completely raw. I look forward to a nice hot meal, it’s a mentally comforting thing, especially with the cooler weather. Basically I’m allowing myself one minimally processed snack, and one cooked meal a day, the rest of what I eat is raw fruit,veg or nuts.

I’m still on the coffee though, let’s not get crazy! And I’m pretty sure vodka is a vegetable, doesn’t it come from potatoes or something?

Early days, I’d forgotten how bad the HIIT stuff hurts. I sweat like I never have before, (or perhaps that’s tears?), and I’m walking weirdly, as under-utilised muscles rebel against their recruitment. On the positive side, I love having more time to do stuff that doesn’t involve working out, though some days I wish I had all those extra calories a long run would give me.

Hopefully this new approach will see me a stronger, more balanced athlete. Worth a try, anyway.

The Kindness of Strangers

Sunday afternoon. We decide to go into town, seeking something, and nothing…wasting an afternoon in each others company. We argue, we ponder, we joke around and exchange ideas.

He points out the little alley, as he’s done many times, and I say, ‘Right, let’s just go down it!’ And we do. It’s a narrow space, with open rooftop, and boutique shops standing shoulder to shoulder. I, as I’m want to do, march on past everything. He stops me, to point out a shop, and we go inside.

There are dozens of interesting and unnecessary items begging to be brought. I briefly consider the purchase of a new wallet, decide it’s not needed. He points out a few items for gifts, and I giggle like a child over some gummy ‘willies’. We wander out, wallets still intact. We continue on until,

‘Ultramarathon!’ A British voice. A guy and his son pass me, then walk back to me. We stand face to face and he points at my top. ‘Did you run an Ultramarathon?’

I….did I? Oh yes, I did. I smile, and affirm. He gushes…where? How long? When? He tells me that it’s awesome, and that I should go and eat pie now. We laugh, and part ways.

Yes, Universe…I see what you did there.

Hay will run again. I promise x

The DAY that HAY climbed the Vol-CAY-no…(yeah this title needs work)

It’s no secret to anyone in my inner circle that I’ve struggled these last two weeks, to come to terms with Tarawera, and what I had viewed as a disappointing performance on my part. With hindsight, and input from running friends, it’s not hard to see that I went in over-done physically, and under-prepared mentally, pretty much a recipe for trouble. That said, I’ve grieved for that ‘perfect race’ that wasn’t to be, taken the lessons it taught me to heart, and let it go. In the end, the one and only thing that matters is that I raised loads more money for The Dream Chaser Foundation than expected, (thanks to all of YOU xxx).

I’m in a weird transitional period of my life right now…an early mid life crisis, perhaps? My head is constantly all over the place, and I’m not the easiest person to be around a lot of the time. In the aftermath of TUM, I was hyper-sensitive, exhausted and ‘at sea’ emotionally. I pushed people away, when I really wanted them near, and I said and did things I’m not proud of. As we humans are want to do when we are hurting, I took it out on those closest to me. Apologies if you were one of those in the firing line, I’m hoping that some of the bridges I burned are still able to be crossed and I’ll get a second third forth fifth chance to make things up to you and then stuff it up all over again.

I’m not sure what the next phase of my life will bring, on a personal, or physical level. I know that I don’t want to pass up any opportunity to spend time with the people I care about, to hang with family and friends, old, new, and yet to be. I’m ready to grab life hard and experience the shit out of it, so if you’ve got a hair-brained scheme, epic adventure, or daring deed in mind, COUNT ME IN!

Which brings me to the point of this post, Hay’s very first epic adventure. The climbing of Mount Ruapehu, with the ever inspiring and amazingly kind, Kate Townsley, and two of her running buddies, Tilly and Sally.

Kate very kindly offered me a bed for the night last night, saving me a trip down to Taupo this morning. I’ll tell you this for nothing, trail running people, are some of the best people in the world. We awoke before dawn, which wasn’t hard, as I struggled to sleep from sheer excitement, anyway. I’ve been dreaming of setting foot on one of these mountains for so long, and could hardly believe that today was to be the day. We had breakfast, Kate introduced me to a new favourite, rice porridge, got organised, and waited for the first of Kate’s friends to arrive. Soon we were on the road, eating up the kilometres, and approaching the volcano. The pic below is at the carpark, just before we set off.

Basically, it’s a steady climb, tramp, scramble, slide, up, across, down and over, rocks and boulders. The landscape is unlike anything I’ve experienced, and sometimes it felt like we were on a different planet.

I decided then and there that I will be back to climb the other mountains, especially Mount Ngauruhoe, (Mount Doom in the LOTR movies, seen in the far distance of the above picture.) It’s magical to look at. In fact, it made me wonder how many mountains I might be able to knock off within the next year…..?(stay tuned).

Today’s low lying cloud made you feel even higher up that you were, and added to the surreal feeling.

I really did feel on top of the world (naww cliche, I know. But so true). I can’t describe what it is to finally achieve something you’ve dreamed about…it was kind of the balm to my Ultra wound.

In the above picture, Kate is just about to get our first glimpse of the crater lake. It was absolutely breath-taking and unbelievable to look at it with my very own eyes, rather than on a postcard, or the computer, I almost had to pinch myself.

Of course no Mountain top picture is complete without my beloved Clif bars, once again, fueling my adventures.

Obligatory tourist snaps done, and it was back down the mountain we went!

As we were traveling back, I pointed out the above plumes of smoke and ash and asked what it was. That, I was told, is the reason you can’t do the full Tongariro Crossing right now, an erupting vent in the side of the mountain. So cool!

Thanks to all concerned for an amazing day, see you on the next one!

On yer bike, Hay.

Week one of recovery complete. I’m feeling really good, my last run was the middle of last week and I’ve basically done nothing since then. Not sure if I will run this week or not, I’ve got a week to decide where to next in my training. Perhaps some base building and speed stuff…. maybe I’ll try out a few different sports. I heard a crazy rumour recently that there is more to life than running. Woah

With that in mind, now that I don’t have to be overly precious about my limbs, this morning I had my first mountain bike lesson. I exceeded my own expectations, in that, I didn’t become one with any trees, and all my bones are still intact. Also? It was way fun!

Light, tunnel, end…you know, good stuff.

Thank you all for your kind, wise and wonderful reactions to my last post. I want to share with you some of the positive bits from last weekend. My sore body is slowly beginning to heal itself, and I’m getting to a much better place in my head too. Yeah, last Saturday kicked my arse, but maybe that was the whole point. Anyhoo, here are some of the things that made me smile.

—It was incredibly dark in the forest before the race started. Roger told me that after he pried me off of him at the start, and sent me into the pack of runners, he was talking on the phone to my mum, trying to work out where she was. He reckons they could have been standing right next to each other, and not have known it. I told him he should have said, meet near the port-a-loos. He said, ‘I did, but she couldn’t see them!’ Poor things, blindly floundering about, who says the racers have it tough?

—The last training run I’d done through that part of the Redwoods had resulted in exactly three face plants. Factoring in the darkness, and extra run time, I figured out that I’d probably be eating dirt at least 7-8 times. How many times did I fall? NONE. Yes, you heard right, Hay remained vertical the entire race. So there! Actually, the pre-dawn running was probably my favourite bit.

— After dropping my headlamp off at the water tower, I heard my name being called. Turning, I saw a vibrant, smiling, gorgeous creature, who introduced herself as Leah, a virtual running buddy. We ran together, along with Brian, another running buddy (who eventually knocked off the 100km in an epic story of sheer determination and grit lasting 16 hours!), and shared a few laughs. Leah would eventually leave me in the dust, finishing over 20 minutes before me, shattering her own expectations and raising a huge amount of money for hospice, in honour of her mum, who passed away. She’s a phenomenally awesome chick. I was incredibly touched when, barely able to make her legs co-operate, she limped down to the finish line to give me a hug when I finished, and shared her celebration bubbles with me.

— At the Blue lake aid station, I got a huge cheer and ‘Come on Hayley! Go Hayley!’ Which left a grin on my face for ages…yes Jonathon, I recognised your voice in there!

— Hearing, ‘Come on Beaker, dig it in!’ And coming around the corner to see the smiling face of my mentor, training buddy and dear friend, Goat. A few snaps, and a quick high-five, definitely a highlight. (About 25km on I would end up crying all over his shirt and expressing my despair rather graphically to him, poor guy, sorry about that!)

— Between the Blue Lake and Okareka there were two highlights. I fell in behind a guy with the  sexiest calf muscles ever, phew! Eventually I passed him on the road section, I noticed that he was soaked through, and asked if he’d had a dip in the lake? He said nope, he just sweats that much. Amazing! Around this part I also saw my mum for the first time, as she drove past me, heading to the Okareka aid station. This definitely spurred me on, and getting a hug from her when I finally got there was one of the best parts of the day.

I didn’t notice at the time, but this week on my fundraising page was a donation, and the following comment, which made me so very happy.

I was so excited when I saw your Dreamchaser t-shirt at the Lake Okareka Aid Station on Saturday – to see Chace’s smiling face come running towards me was just wonderful. Rod and Joy helped me track down your blog page so that I could make my small donation. Your effort was huge. I’m totally inspired by the effort of yourself and everyone around you, it was amazing. Huge congratulations!!

— After Okareka, it isn’t long before you hit the Millar Road climb, a gravel road section, which then cuts into the forest again. At the Millar Road Aid station, which I was on last year, I heard, ‘I know you, hello!’ It was the same people that I worked on it with last year, and we shared a laugh over how different it was on this side of the aid station!

— The section through to The Okataina Lodge is the longest, and for me, definitely the toughest. I struggled badly here, so not much to highlight. I ran with my music for some of it, which seemed to help. Near the end, two positive things. I ran into an online training buddy, who was doing the team event. She recognised me by my backpack, and we had a good conversation until I had to pull off to deal with another ugly cramp, which unfortunately I’d battle for around 40km of the race.  The other thing was hearing, ‘LEFT!’ And seeing the first of the Elite runners whizz by me so quickly that it was like something out of a comic book. Phenomenally impressive.

— I reached Okataina Lodge aid station, ate, drank and continued on my not-so merry way. This last 20km was hard, but I met some great people. I had a chat to Chris Hope, who runs the New Zealand Running Calendar, one of my favourite websites. I passed Ross Steele, whose infamous Hawaiian shirt made him unmissable. At the Humphries Bay Aid Station I chatted to one of the helpers about Chace and the Dream Chaser Foundation….loads of people had pointed out his picture and asked me about it, so awesome.

— Near the end I joined up with a couple of guys, one of whom I’d spent much of the latter part of the race playing leapfrog with. He’d eventually finish about 30 seconds in front of me, which was pretty cool, at least I never felt alone. The other guy I was walking / shuffling with, told me he’d run a few ultras, but this was definitely tougher than any of his other races, and reckoned it’d be equal to 80 or 90km on the road. Yeah, I’ll go with that. He stopped for a bathroom break and I was able to actually start to run a bit more , so I didn’t see him again after that, I hope he made it to the end okay.

— Seeing my family as I burst out of the bush, so overwhelmingly awesome, though I wish I’d thought to grab the little ones and have them finish with me.

— The lovely guy who took my timer off, gave me my medal, chatted to me about Chace and ignored my girly blubbering everywhere.

— The cold water of the lake on my legs, coffee (!!), meeting Keri and Ryan, the perfect end to the day.

So, all in all, as is usually the way in life, as time goes on, and I reflect on things, I guess it wasn’t too bad….and while I don’t think I’ll sign up to do TUM again anytime soon, it hasn’t killed my ultra dreams, I’ve got a few more crazy goals in the works, stay tuned

The Truth, The Ultra Truth, and Nothing But the Truth.

So. I’m struggling a bit to find the right words at the moment, my mental self seems to be as exhausted as my physical self.

I’m scared of writing this stuff down and feeling like I’ve invited you all to a little pity party – I can see you all gathered around with colourful party hats on, and hear you saying nice things to me, until I start to feel better. Ugh.

I went into Saturday’s race with three goals – to finish, to do so under eight hours, and, most importantly, to be grateful for the opportunity to be there. I wanted, above all else to run with a grateful heart. My family had sacrificed a lot, in terms of time spent training, and the financial burden that preparing for something like this carries. The gear, the entry fee, the transport, accommodation, this amounts to no small total. Many of you had given from your own pockets to the Dream Chaser Foundation, to support me. You’d taken time out to run training runs with me, talk me through the self-doubts, and sent messages of support and encouragement. I was fit, healthy, and able to race, I was alive!

In Buddhism, to be at a point in your life where you have the time, the will and the ability to begin your journey to enlightenment is an exceptional blessing. This is very true for running and competing too.

Many people are suffering with illness, poverty or circumstance that prevents them from ever completing something as amazing as an Ultramarathon. They won’t ever know how it feels to train, prepare, develop, and finally, achieve. But they know all about enduring, and suffering, on a level that no event will ever be able to replicate, and no one hands them a medal at the finish line.

On Saturday I achieved one goal that I had set out, I finished. The clock will tell you that I did so under 8 hours, but in reality, I had only travelled 57.8km. If it had been the full 60km, my time would have been over 8 hours. Most who know me know that times and places mean little to me. My big failure on Saturday? I forgot gratitude.

I spent 40kms of that day in a horrible place. A place of self pity, anger, ignorance and sadness. I cried, I swore, and all I thought about was the end. I didn’t appreciate the beauty of where I was, (and man, was it beautiful!), or any of the blessings that had gotten me to this place. I cursed my body for not performing how I wanted it to, I cursed the terrain for bringing me to my knees and forcing me to eat helping after helping of humble pie.

On Saturday, I failed myself, and all of you.

And I apologise.

Done and Dusted.

And so, it is done.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the whole thing. Here are the basics.

Race pack : Usual sponsor advertising pamphlets, 3 Hammer gels (two espresso flavour, free to a good home, eww) and some sort of electrolyte tablet thing. 1 pair of injinji toe socks (you got to pick your colour, I got pink), race shirt: merino wool (sorry, sheep!), long sleeve, very snugly. Slept in it after the race. Oh, and race number : 489. I brought a new race belt at the expo thing, also.

Pre-race : Slept great, up at 3:30am, ate a Clif bar and banana, then at 4:30 I had a jam sandwich and at 5:30 an orange flavoured hammer gel. Hydrated with water and electrolyte drink. Felt okay, nervous but keen to get under way.

The race…oh, the race. Perhaps a picture will explain it?

Positives :

- I met some great people out on the trail, and made those special types of bonds you make during intense periods of suffering.

- The scenery was beautiful, and although I couldn’t appreciate it much at the time, it’s something I can reflect on.

- I finished! Seriously, I ran an ULTRAMARATHON! Me!

- You guys. My international Fan Club, who changed your profile pics and cheered me on pre-race and congratulated me like a rockstar post race. My friends and family who cheered me on and supported me through not only the race, but the long hours of training. I wanted to quit so many times, but I knew you were all there with me, yelling at me to do this for Chace, and I didn’t give up.

Casualties:

- I rolled my ankle 3km from the finish, not too bad, must remember to tape ankles before technical runs.

- Lost two toenails. Enough said.

- Some pretty nasty chafing on my back.

- Bruising and small wound on hand, no idea how that happened.

Things I learned:

- Ultramarathons are bloody hard.

- Don’t try different hydration plans during a race.

- Cramp Stop spray is the best thing ever.

Nutrition :

- GU Chomps

- Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, orange wedge, watermelon, electrolytes.

Highlight of the day:

- Meeting Keri and Ryan, Chace’s parents. Unfortunately they missed the finish, but we got to spend some time together, and they are such beautiful people. I’m so happy to have raised some money for them, I’d love to get to $1000 though, so feel free to donate if you haven’t. So many people asked me about Chace and the Dream Chaser Foundation, and his smile got me through more than a few really low points. Without a shadow of a doubt, this race was for them, and that made every single second worth it.

Would I do it again?

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